Across my work with leaders within organisations, a question comes up time and again: “How do I move beyond my need for validation and approval? How do I stop worrying so much about what others think?”

It’s a great question—one we’ve all asked ourselves.

First, accept that we are fully human. Being human means having big emotions, feelings, biases, and judgments. We all feel a lot, but responsibility for how we think, feel, and act ultimately lies with us.

Second, if we accept that we are responsible for our own state, do we have any responsibility for the emotional states, judgments, or opinions of others? The answer is no. Even if we tried to please everyone, they would still make their own judgments—as will we.

What others think and feel about us is not our problem. Their judgments are theirs to own, just as ours are ours.

The final part is realising there are things in our control (our own state) and things outside our control (other people’s judgments). Learning to let go of what you can’t control is the definition of resilience.

Remind yourself of this the next time you’re tempted to seek external approval.